


was i ever enough?

by xingyvns



Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Attempted Angst, M/M, diary entry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 01:21:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27356419
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xingyvns/pseuds/xingyvns
Summary: hq angst week day 2. tier 3.akaashi contemplates his relationship with oikawa, translated through a diary entry written by and for him.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Oikawa Tooru
Series: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020 [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1997953
Comments: 2
Kudos: 20
Collections: Haikyuu Angst Week 2020





	was i ever enough?

**Author's Note:**

> warnings: brief mention of cheating at the end, extremely self depricating,

**November 2nd, 2020**

Today marks the… first anniversary of my relationship. Well, it’s already well past midnight when I’m writing this, so I guess I should change that… 

I know no one will ever see this, especially not anyone who knows me well enough to say my first name with such pride. This isn’t a journal of well kept secrets or numerous days of monotonous ranting… it’s just a diary of days of importance. Days like when I got accepted to my job, when I graduated university… the good days, you could say.

And when I wrote the date, that’s what I thought today would be. God, father would scold me if he saw how pathetic I am…

Long distance relationships are hard, maybe I underestimated them. This isn’t his fault, he’s busier than I am and it wouldn’t be fair if I made him stay up late for me. 

Fuck, fuck it fuck fuck fuck.

This hurts. It hurts more than getting spiked in the face by some stupid top ten spiker in Japan or something. this hurts more than getting rejected from jobs and being told im not enough because at least then it was a direct response, not some sort of half assed or silent way of saying ‘hey we dont want you’. And maybe Oikawa’s not saying that fuck im supposed to be calling him tooru now -- Tooru. Stupid Keiji, you can call people by the right name can’t you?

but he doesn’t call me keiji or kei-chan or whatever stupid endearing terms he comes up with -- so so i shouldnt either because that would be intruding  on his on our relationship with each other. 

one year in and we cant even call each other by our given names… god can i get any more pathetic?

i promised bokuto that this diary would be neat or something so that someday in the future when we reunited he could read it and see how my handwritings evolved

im sosorry

this page will be torn out hopefully so that no one has to lay eyes on this horrid mess that i am right now. i mean its barely legible anymore, right? I can’t read the last few words I wrote but maybe thats because the papers getting damp… did i spill my waterbottle? why am i such a clutz all of the sudden/

get a hold of yourself keiji dammit

anniversary

there are so many things i wanted to do on my first anniversary - i stayed out of relationships for so long that this day became some sort of magical, fairy tale like scene that with a guy like oikawa could be so dreamy and so fucking beautiful

so why does it hurt? 

I want to open my phone and I want to send him a message on Snapchat or WhatsApp or whatever we have, but I know what I’ll see far before I even do that. I miss the little good mornings and good nights he’d send, even with those stupid faces he seemed so persistent on keeping. I miss him starting conversations, I miss calling him, I miss being able to hold his hand and walk down the quiet streets of Tokyo.

i miss when i felt like i was enough for him.

ive poured my everything into this relationship because i wanted to make it work. ive edited relationships so beautiful and so much more tragic than this and so so so much more just more everything

more phenomenal more breathtaking more

loving.

its stupid its soosososo so stupid 

its bene years - how many, four, five? since i’ve even touched a volleyball. since ive set for such amazing spikers and been around a team that i found solace in… 

back then, i was enough. but thats all ive ever been, right?

enough. being something substantial enough to provide but nothing above and beyond but nothing below average.

something that i can never attain standing next to oikawa tooru

one of the monster, star setters of our generation. someone who was easily recognized for his capabilities both on and off the court. abilities that i cant even believe to wish to have and even after all these years

im still jealous of him

And as a publisher  an editor thats just a hopeless romantic looking for even a broken i love you from a man so far from my reach

i ask you, oikawa tooru, who will find this torn, tear covered paper one day

was i ever enough?

please, tooru. thats all i need to know. you can dump me ditch me cheat on me whatever i dont 

i dont care i just need to know

was there ever a time that i was enough for you? enough to make you stay?

or maybe, would i ever be enough?

i have one wish that i can think of right now and one wish only because my head huts so badly it hurts so much 

i wish that a year from now, i can call you tooru to your face while saying ‘i love you.’ 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading! i hope this was ok and that you enjoyed reading it :D
> 
> its my first time trying to write a diary style and i wanted to go out of my comfort zone. i wrote this to contribute but also to get back into writing slowly but surely.
> 
> any feedback is greatly appreciated :D


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